Hibernation is over

….first, a musical interlude from my youth…..
“Look around
They’re moving in
Hold your ground
When they begin

We can do it
We can do it and if they wanna they can try
But they’ll never get near
Then they can get out of here

Gonna keep on driving
Never stop

United, united, united we stand
United we never shall fall
United, united, united we stand
United we stand one and all”

/interlude over

According to the history of posts on this blog, my last post was October 23,2008. Long time.
I’d really like to claim I’ve not been posting because I’ve been incredibly busy for the last thee and half months, but the fact is, I’ve not really been busy at all. I’ve been hibernating.

I guess that requires some explanation. For myself, if not for anyone else.

By late last fall I’d reached the point that I was not really enjoying much of anything. Don’t get me wrong, I was not depressed, or suicidal, or anything like that. I was just….tired, and not enjoying much of anything any more.

I wasn’t enjoying working on any of the various projects and goals I had set for myself. I wasn’t enjoying the challenges and opportunities of my various SCA offices. I wasn’t enjoying working on the various jewelry and knotwork projects I’d been playing with. I really was not enjoying my mundane job (when you are a bill collector, and the ecnonomy begins to tank, the job does not get easier, believe me on this).

Of course, the knowledge that the “holiday season” was fast approaching didn’t help either. I do, truly love the actual holidays; I love spending time with my family and friends at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, but I intensely dislike all the associated nonsense of the holiday season. I like the days and don’t like the season. Does that make sense to anyone but me? I hope so.

I think the final reason for my hibernation is just that I don’t do winter. Despite the fact I was born in, and lived the first sixteen years of my life in the Great Plains (not, I hasten to point out, the midwest, the Great Plains), I don’t like winter. I despise being cold. I hate the fact that it is dark by 5:30 PM. During the winter, all I want to do is sleep. Sleep until the spring comes, or I start to feel better. Feel human. Feel excited about things again.

So, the first week or so of November, I sort of went into hibernation. I didn’t do it deliberately. I didn’t know I was going to do it, I just sort of ….. let it happen. I would go to work, and I’d come home and get lost in a computer game, and then I’d go to bed. Once a week  I would go to our local SCA meeting. I kept doing my various mundane and SCA jobs, but just the bare basics. I didn’t work on any real projects to improve, or change anything. I just kind of existed. Existed, but not really lived.

There were a few bright spots. Thanksgiving with the 3 Dragons at Gresch and Chierie’s house was fun, as it always is.  The two days I spent with my family the weekend after Christmas (I couldn’t spend the actual two days of Christmas with my family because they all live some distance away, and my Corporate Overlords required that I work til 7:00 PM Christmas Eve, and be back at work at 7:00 AM the day after Christmas) were wonderful. I didn’t do much but watch television on New Years Eve, or New Years day, but I did thoroughly enjoy the 3 Dragons New Years party the weekend of January 7. And, of course, I can’t begin to describe how much I enjoyed watching Marine 2 fly the Shrub (I won’t speak his true name) and family away from the Whitehouse on January 20th. Hell, I requested January 20 as  my last vacation day on January 20, 2008, just so I could stay home and see that bit of history as it happened. DIdn’t want to watch tape of it hours later. I wanted to watch him leave, and I did. I cheered.

As I said, I wasn’t depressed, at least not that I was aware of. I wasn’t mad, particularly. Well, not more than I normally am. I think I was just tired. I think I just needed a break for a while. A break from everything, and to a large extent from everyone. Other than the people I’d talk to at work, and at the SCA meetings I did go to, I pretty much quit talking to everyone. I stopped chatting with friends on line. I more or less stopped reading the various email lists I subscribe to. I haven’t read any books in months.

Then last week, things started to change. Last Sunday I actually  felt my urge to get my pliers out and make some jewelry. I twisted rings for a couple of hours, and it felt good. Hell, it felt great, and I while I was working on the piece I had in my hands, I started thinking about other pieces I wanted to make. That hadn’t happened in a long time.
After last Tuesday’s Baronial Business meeting,  I didn’t go out for dinner with my friends as I usually do, but I did come home and spent a couple of hours working on my plans for Samhain. That felt good. If I have a passion in the SCA, it is planning and running events, and I am going to have a LOT of fun with Samhain.

I had to work the second shift at work yesterday, so I didn’t get off work until 9:00 PM last night, and had to be back at work at 7:00 AM this morning, but instead of going straight to bed when I got home last night I actually got on the phone and reconnnected with a few people I hadn’t talked to in months.
I got home from work today at about 1:30, and instead of firing up the computer game I had been dulling mys senses with for the last several weeks I got out my jewelry stuff again and worked on that for a couple of hours. Then I spent a couple of hours reorganizing my desk, optimizing it to be able to work on projects again.
Then, since I seemed to be feeling truly productive for the first time in a very long time, I spent another hour or so working on some cleaning projects in the house. You would not believe, or perhaps you would, how many cleaning projects two bachelors can create in their home. I’ve got plenty of those to keep me going for a while.

So, at the end of all this productiveness today I decied to take a shower and clean up. I find it amazing how dirty you can get while cleaning, and it was right after the shower, that I knew it was time to stop thinking about making a blog post, and actually sit down and write one. After a long look in the mirror, I knew the hibernation period was over, and it was time to get busy living again.

If there is still anyone checking this blog after such a long period of no posts,  I imagine you asking, “how did you know?”

I knew the hibernation was over, when I looked in the mirror and realized, really realized that I hadn’t shaved my head in over two months. That just wouldn’t do any more. That had to change, right NOW.

So, my hibernation is over. I know I’ve got to recover some ground on some projects, and with some people. I’m looking forward to doing just that, and I’m looking forward to living again, instead of just existing. I’m looking forward to moving forward again, moving with direction, instead of just drifting.

In other words: I’m awake, I’m freshly bald again, and I’m looking forward.  Gotta love it.

Cormac

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